I didn’t know that I didn’t know.

Before coming here I thought I had a lot of things figured out. However, in my first week of being here, I have already been proven wrong. I have realized that there is a lot more to growing up than I realized. I have realized that this journey, although it is about my growth and my finding myself, it is not limited to just that. It is about allowing God to humble me and trust in his word. It is about first seeking his kingdom and righteousness, and in that finding who He created me to be.

“... so shall the word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” 

(Isaiah 55:11)

He has me here for a reason. He has sent me here with a purpose - a purpose that will be fulfilled. That He may glorified and praised for his faithfulness, for his  mighty and powerful word. Promises that he founded on love and grace, that we as sinful creatures may find hope and receive life to the full.

It is by grace that we are here today, living and thriving in His name. I don’t want to deceive you as readers by making you think it has been an absolute spiritual high already. Truthfully, it has been anything but that. Finding God when I am physically out of my comfort is a greater challenge than I thought it would be. There is a fear in my heart that leads me to believe I won’t find God in this place. That He only exists within the boundaries I have put him. What a lie that is! That is blatantly the enemy attacking me when I am vulnerable. And He will gain power in that if I am not fully relying on the Lord. He will continue to feed me the lies and break me down. Thank the Lord for his faithfulness.

“My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever.” 

(Psalm 73:26)

He wants me. So I will seek him. And because He deserves all glory and praise, He will follow through. He will provide. He will thrive. 

In my discouragement this morning all I wanted was to be at home, living the life that I now know is not truly life. I had more freedom to avoid God and deal with my hurt in ways that are not fruitful. And in my desperation He lead me to Ephesians 2.

“You were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience – among whom we all once lived in the passions our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, even when were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved. “ (Ephesians 2:1-5)

I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I didn’t know I was so broken and desperate for HIM. I didn’t know I needed so much healing. I didn’t know he loved me so much.