The Character of my God

"It's me, your child speaking. I was in a dark place, LORD, and going back to it is not easy. Physically, I was alone and anxious. Emotionally and spiritually, I was terrified. Fear and anger and shame were all I knew. I had no identity. Only full of hate and dread. Not wanting to disappoint you, but afraid I already had.  I was fearful that my freedom wouldn't last and that my sins were far too much for anyone to handle. These lies began to seep into my every thought and fear began to rule my every decision. I wanted to protect myself from being vulnerable, even with you. But somehow, LORD, between the hurt and confusion, I believed you wanted me for what I had to offer. Your small, still voice spoke to me in the darkest of places, constantly reminding me "yes, I still love you." Jesus, I knew it then, just as I know now, that you are my portion... it's hard to find meaning in that truth in the midst of the chaos. The truth is, however, that you died for me so that in the dark places, when I begin to give into the lies, I can call onto you, my Father, and you will rescue me and set me free. Not because of anything that I have done, but because of who you are and who you say I am. I am yours. You created me and that alone gives my heart value. I still don't understand the true depth of that, but I know 

it's something beautiful."

--Your Daughter. 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." -Isaiah 43:1

"Because you are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you..." -Isaiah 43:4

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

"'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'" -Lamentations 3:24

This is the team I am privileged to go to Ch!n@ with. Please keep us in your prayers! That the Lord will unify us and open our hearts and minds to the things he wants to do with us. :)

"Wait quietly in my presence while my thoughts form silently in the depths of your being. Do not try to rush this process; hurry keeps your heart earthbound. I am the creator of the universe, yet I choose to make my humble home in your heart. There you know me most intimately; there I speak to you in holy whispers. Ask my spirit to quiet your mind so that you can hear my still voice within you. I am speaking to you continually; words of LOVE... PEACE... LIFE. Tune your heart to receive these messages of abundant blessing. Lay your requests before me and wait in expectation..." 

--Jesus Calling 

That's just it. He is the creator of the universe and he has chosen us in our brokenness. He does not need us to fulfill what he has purposed but rather the beauty of this salvation is that he has rescued us because he delights in us (2 Samuel 22:20). It is such a privilege to be a part of this program here in Maui because I have been able to meet some wonderful women with incredible hearts. One of the conversations we got into the other night was over the idea of worship and how society has limited worship to just praise. Significant difference here. 


Praise - "the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something"


Worship - "the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity"


God is God no matter what the circumstance. He was God before we were ever here, meaning he was just as mighty and just as powerful and just as good. Meaning without the fact that he has saved us from our hopelessness and brought us out of our desperation, he deserves to be worshiped. We do not make him worthy of praise but rather he makes us worthy of love. That is huge! 

So lets stop making this about us, lets stop making our love and praise for the Lord conditional, and let us worship HIM! 

Proud to say we had a successful first day of doing laundry on our own... The boys are complete naturals.

I didn’t know that I didn’t know.

Before coming here I thought I had a lot of things figured out. However, in my first week of being here, I have already been proven wrong. I have realized that there is a lot more to growing up than I realized. I have realized that this journey, although it is about my growth and my finding myself, it is not limited to just that. It is about allowing God to humble me and trust in his word. It is about first seeking his kingdom and righteousness, and in that finding who He created me to be.

“... so shall the word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” 

(Isaiah 55:11)

He has me here for a reason. He has sent me here with a purpose - a purpose that will be fulfilled. That He may glorified and praised for his faithfulness, for his  mighty and powerful word. Promises that he founded on love and grace, that we as sinful creatures may find hope and receive life to the full.

It is by grace that we are here today, living and thriving in His name. I don’t want to deceive you as readers by making you think it has been an absolute spiritual high already. Truthfully, it has been anything but that. Finding God when I am physically out of my comfort is a greater challenge than I thought it would be. There is a fear in my heart that leads me to believe I won’t find God in this place. That He only exists within the boundaries I have put him. What a lie that is! That is blatantly the enemy attacking me when I am vulnerable. And He will gain power in that if I am not fully relying on the Lord. He will continue to feed me the lies and break me down. Thank the Lord for his faithfulness.

“My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever.” 

(Psalm 73:26)

He wants me. So I will seek him. And because He deserves all glory and praise, He will follow through. He will provide. He will thrive. 

In my discouragement this morning all I wanted was to be at home, living the life that I now know is not truly life. I had more freedom to avoid God and deal with my hurt in ways that are not fruitful. And in my desperation He lead me to Ephesians 2.

“You were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience – among whom we all once lived in the passions our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, even when were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved. “ (Ephesians 2:1-5)

I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I didn’t know I was so broken and desperate for HIM. I didn’t know I needed so much healing. I didn’t know he loved me so much.